CLS Sandoval

Learning to Mother Two Children

 

It occurs to me, the older that Evelyn gets the more frequently I will go places without her. The more frequently she will go places without me. She is no longer strapped to my chest or into a stroller. She’s beginning to make her own way in the world. At the same time, little James takes her place on my chest and in her stroller until he joins his big sister on an independent trek through this chaotic world.

Just hours after his birth, my husband and I sat in the hospital, taking turns holding our new little son.  Tears outlined my eyes.  Tears of joy from meeting my new son, of course.  More surprisingly, some tears of sadness as well.  I longed for the embrace of my seven year old daughter, who was back at the Airbnb with my mother, as much as I was enjoying embracing my brand new son.

I never envied the choice that Sophie was pressured to make. I suppose I always figured it would be tough to try to decide between children. But it’s a little different than I thought it would be. When you have more than one child, each one doesn’t take up an equal part of your heart, rather each one has equal claim to your whole heart.

CLS Sandoval, PhD (she/her) is a pushcart nominated writer and communication professor with accolades in film, academia, and creative writing who speaks, signs, acts, publishes, sings, performs, writes, paints, teaches and rarely relaxes.  She has presented over 50 times at communication conferences, published 15 academic articles, two academic books, three full-length literary collections: God Bless Paul, Soup Stories: A Reconstructed Memoir, and Writing Our Love Story, and three chapbooks: The Way We Were, Tumbleweed:  Against All Odds, and The Villain Wore a Hero’s Face.  She is raising her daughter, son, and dog with her husband in Walnut, CA.