Daniel Sennis

Accordeus: Legend of I-95

O muse, sing in me and through me tell the story of
that handsome beast, Accordeus, who traveled down
the east coast and back in his 2013 Accord with his wife
and 3-year-old son and had many trials and travails-
and pooped a lot - and only returned home after passing at
least one thousand Cracker Barrel billboards.

Accordeus, who, at the rosy ass crack of dawn,
started his journey down I-95, and who fool-heartily
angered Tollseiden, God of Interstate travel,
by remaining in an E-ZPass Lane without an E-ZPass
tag despite the gigantic signs all around him indicating
which lanes were E-ZPass and which were hard pass.

Accordeus, who found a hideous monster in a gas station
bathroom, and did not run in fear, as others would have,
but plunged right in, so to speak, saving his crew from
an extra stop and future travelers from extreme trauma.

Accordeus, who evaded a whirlpool of toddler tears by
hastily (and tastily) obtaining a Happy Meal for his son
just before a major breakdown.

Accordeus, who was beckoned by the casually racist
billboard call of South of the Border, luring him and
his crew to financial ruin on the border of the Carolinas.
But who, though desperate for a cheaply produced
Mexican-caricature-imprinted key chain, protected
himself and his crew by stuffing his ears with Ira Glass's
comparably  alluring voice.

Accordeus, who, after proving he could pay for room
and damages, experienced the God-in-disguise-fearing
Xenia of the Hampton Inn and Suites in Newark, Deleware.
Who awoke at the rosy ass crack of dawn to find the
most ambrosial waffle bar alongside the most
adorable assortment of mini-muffins and no less than 3
concentrated juice options: a bountiful breakfast bevy
that would have Zeus on Traveladviser like “4 thunderbolts!

Accordeus, who did not heed the warning to avoid eating
the cattle...at Hardee's.

Accordeus, who brought with him a powerful windbag that
should never be opened (stored precariously in the drivers seat).

Accordeus, who visited the underworld, just outside of Tampa
hot, steamy and overcome with creepy-ass ancient spirits
in track suits. Where the nearly-dead hunger for musical
theater, all-you-can-eat buffets and coupon fliers from Publix;
and who will only speak with you if you've brought along a
signed photograph of Barbara Streisand. Here Accordeus heard
a prophecy of what would happen to his inheritance if he didn't
call down to this woebegone realm more frequently.

Accordeus, who finally returned home after being stranded so
long in a bewildering sea of terrible-pun-riddled advertisements
for seasoned peas, to his two-bedroom kingdom above Final Touch
Hair Salon only be welcomed by the sight of unwanted guests
brazenly snacking on his very own leftover (unseasoned) carpet
crumbs. And who, disguised as a greasy-haired, scraggly bearded,
Cheese-Itz and Starbucks-smelling freakazoid, viciously
eliminated these haughty intruders with a healthy smattering
of Terro from the hardware store, thus restoring himself as
rightful king of all food detritus in the greater living room vicinity.

And who soon after made right with the all-mighty Tollseiden by
sacrificing through first class mail the six bucks he owed him

Always remember this man, so handsome and brave and who would
stop at nothing to get at the waffles at the hotel breakfast buffet.

(Thanks, Muses. Can you come back next week for my storytelling slam?).

Bio: Daniel Sennis is America's Sexiest Writer. He is the author of "A New York Yankee in 21st Century 'Merica (the book!). Shires Press, 2013. His blog of the same name can be found at danielsennis.blogspot.com. He also writes and publishes the satirical news site Central North American News (centralnanews.weebly.com). He lives in the Southern Adirondacks with his terribly unfortunate wife and son.

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