Daniel Sennis

Accordeus: Legend of I-95

O muse, sing in me and through me tell the story of

that handsome beast, Accordeus, who traveled down

the east coast and back in his 2013 Accord with his wife

and 3-year-old son and had many trials and travails-

and pooped a lot - and only returned home after passing at

least one thousand Cracker Barrel billboards.

Accordeus, who, at the rosy ass crack of dawn,

started his journey down I-95, and who fool-heartily

angered Tollseiden, God of Interstate travel,

by remaining in an E-ZPass Lane without an E-ZPass

tag despite the gigantic signs all around him indicating

which lanes were E-ZPass and which were hard pass.

Accordeus, who found a hideous monster in a gas station

bathroom, and did not run in fear, as others would have,

but plunged right in, so to speak, saving his crew from

an extra stop and future travelers from extreme trauma.

Accordeus, who evaded a whirlpool of toddler tears by

hastily (and tastily) obtaining a Happy Meal for his son

just before a major breakdown.

Accordeus, who was beckoned by the casually racist

billboard call of South of the Border, luring him and

his crew to financial ruin on the border of the Carolinas.

But who, though desperate for a cheaply produced

Mexican-caricature-imprinted key chain, protected

himself and his crew by stuffing his ears with Ira Glass's

comparably  alluring voice.

Accordeus, who, after proving he could pay for room

and damages, experienced the God-in-disguise-fearing

Xenia of the Hampton Inn and Suites in Newark, Deleware.

Who awoke at the rosy ass crack of dawn to find the

most ambrosial waffle bar alongside the most

adorable assortment of mini-muffins and no less than 3

concentrated juice options: a bountiful breakfast bevy

that would have Zeus on Traveladviser like “4 thunderbolts!

Accordeus, who did not heed the warning to avoid eating

the cattle...at Hardee's.

Accordeus, who brought with him a powerful windbag that

should never be opened (stored precariously in the drivers seat).

Accordeus, who visited the underworld, just outside of Tampa

hot, steamy and overcome with creepy-ass ancient spirits

in track suits. Where the nearly-dead hunger for musical

theater, all-you-can-eat buffets and coupon fliers from Publix;

and who will only speak with you if you've brought along a

signed photograph of Barbara Streisand. Here Accordeus heard

a prophecy of what would happen to his inheritance if he didn't

call down to this woebegone realm more frequently.

Accordeus, who finally returned home after being stranded so

long in a bewildering sea of terrible-pun-riddled advertisements

for seasoned peas, to his two-bedroom kingdom above Final Touch

Hair Salon only be welcomed by the sight of unwanted guests

brazenly snacking on his very own leftover (unseasoned) carpet

crumbs. And who, disguised as a greasy-haired, scraggly bearded,

Cheese-Itz and Starbucks-smelling freakazoid, viciously

eliminated these haughty intruders with a healthy smattering

of Terro from the hardware store, thus restoring himself as

rightful king of all food detritus in the greater living room vicinity.

And who soon after made right with the all-mighty Tollseiden by

sacrificing through first class mail the six bucks he owed him

Always remember this man, so handsome and brave and who would

stop at nothing to get at the waffles at the hotel breakfast buffet.

(Thanks, Muses. Can you come back next week for my storytelling slam?).

Bio: Daniel Sennis is America's Sexiest Writer. He is the author of "A New York Yankee in 21st Century 'Merica (the book!). Shires Press, 2013. His blog of the same name can be found at danielsennis.blogspot.com. He also writes and publishes the satirical news site Central North American News (centralnanews.weebly.com). He lives in the Southern Adirondacks with his terribly unfortunate wife and son.